Love, Lovers and memoirs of Love lost

You know, this might sound odd as I am not sure if you would ever go through this blog of mine, but I had the urge to write about this. Has been ages since we have bidden good bye, with me congratulating myself of my aloofness, but yes I have started missing you. Missing you, is not easy, given the fact that I was responsible for the state we are in now.
You were strange, with the glee in your eyes, and the general sense of euphoria you had when you were with me. I thought you were immature, and I thought you did not know what you were getting into. For me, I had no realisation why I had started on this journey, with you when I did not want to get into anything from the first place. Why was I so hell bent to get out of it, when I got into it, is also something I do not understand yet.
Yes, I was repelled at the idea of you being close to me, and I do not know why I had that feeling. But when yesterday, I again saw your picture something stirred in me. I have been fighting that feeling, of the strange emotions which rises in me, at times, when I am silent. Now, I can understand that it is those moments that I had shared with you, that I miss. No, I was not in love with you, do not know even if I can ever be in love with you, yet I had shared something intimate with you, which I miss.
Yesterday, was again one of those days, when I started to miss you. Missing you is not an easy emotion as I am not sure what I miss about you. May be I miss the warmth of another human being, the security of those eyes, which used to worship me literally, but yes I do miss you.
Given a chance, I am not sure if I would like to go along with you. We are different in more than one way, what I want I am not sure who can give, what you want I am not sure if I can give. My search would continue, the longing of my heart refuses to go, but I am not sure what I can do about it.
You had come, you were there to share the longing, but I being a coward came out of it. I am not sure, if I am sorry or if I  can ever be pardoned but I know I had loved you even if it was for a fleeting moment. 

Dream Time, Winter time

The play of light and shadows, the mystic sunshine, trapped between the dark leaves of the tall trees, cast their own spell on me. With the golden sunshine, blurring my vision, time seems, to stop or slow down. Is it me, or has really the good old Earth gone slow on her axis?
May be there is something poisonous in the air, which seeps into my system through my skin that makes my vision at times really strange. Like the other time, when the road ahead had suddenly become an illuminated island of pale yellow sunlight, colouring all the mundane with its shine. Although, I was in a hurry, suddenly, I stopped or was forced to stop to watch the spectacle of nature at her best. I expected the spirits to come crawling out of their shadows immediately to ask me "Who do you seek that you fail to see the miracle being played daily?'
All of  a sudden it was as if a new world was unhinged before me, with secret doors slowly opening to a parallel world of slowness and grace. Simple acts, had become for that fleeting moment something beyond comprehension and loaded with grace. Grace, normally associated with that of movement of an experienced dancer become the order than the exception. A rabid dog, crossing the road, or the dry leaf of tree floating down the asphalt was filled with Art with a capital A. Was it what is called as mindfulness that you suddenly realise the beauty of the world at large?
The vision faded as soon as it came, but it has remained with me and I guess at times I just slip into that world which I do not know exists or not. But yes, when ever I see that golden sunlight, I can feel the magic which makes music becoming something tangible and I wish I get lost in that world

Terrors of the night

Silent waters, hide monsters which can create a whirlpool powerful enough to destroy the shores. Behind the silence of the eyes, lies those monsters who are chained to their doorpost by the power of the mind. The mind is a strange den, it shelters the monsters, chains them down and at the same time tries to make them free.
The last many days, are lost in trying to understand the terrors of the night which refuse to go. Sleep, the abode of rest has turned all of a sudden into a wrestling match between the leashed monster and the unarmed  him. When his conscious mind, goes to rest, the monsters become impatient and they try to get free. He trains them and chains them, but what is the guarantee that they will not snap their chains into two?
From whence do these monsters rise is a question he has not been able to answer. At times, when anger gets the better of him, he keeps quite to see the dark monster rising within The monster is a sly one, he catches him when he is not prepared. Even now, while he keys away his thoughts, the monster lurks behind his mind trying to get out. Is the monster his creation, or does his heart shelters a being, which he knows not?

The answers to these queries he does not know. But he hopes the monsters resolve their tirade against him soon. Who will he speak to to seek the answers? 

The difference between night and day 

Of late, the difference between night and day, has started becoming more and more marked to my pschye. It seems, along with the earth, my mind and my heart, also goes around the sun and emerges in something which I do not understand much. I fail to understand how the demons of emotions, whom I can tame so easily during the day manage to flex their muscles and start coming out of their lairs at night.
To but take the example of the terrors of the night, which I have written, and will write about. They come in various size and shapes and I know I am helpless against them. For me, it has become some what a part of my night ritual. I note down the terrors who seem to cause a hailstorm in my world of dreams but vanish without  a trace in the morning. The same goes with desires, which I know are unreal but some how they revive in night and try to take me in their wings.
For me, the divorce between me and my emotions is quite  a feat. Though I recognise them, yet I do not take them seriously. Life for me, is to be lead albeit in a detached manner .Of late I have understood that to achieve serenity, you need to embrace those emotions and just be unperturbed about what they do to you. That trick I need to learn, from the earth, who seems unperturbed with or without the sun.
The trouble that I face now is the trouble of the stone of the river bed. It gets eroded through the flow of the stream. Certain parts of me are getting numbed and eroded and I know not how to handle it.






























 thr

Some random thoughts 

Loss of innocence, the killing of joy and the disappearance of laughter from the face of the young. These days, due to some strange emotional cyclone going through me, are the main thoughts racing through the labyrinth of my mind.
The freshness of a smiling face, with the eyes twinkling and joy ingratiating from the lines of the face has become rare. When I look into the eyes of the young in age, the only thing I see these days are the worries, and a certain blanket which seems to have created a chasm between the real life and that of the projected life.
Many of them, I see are immersed in the world more firmly than I could or ever was. For I still have the capacity to create around me the world of make belief where the Jewel of four souls hold supreme. Is it a good thing to have your own personal sanctuary, where you jealously hide the innocence of your soul? Or is a sign of procrastination on my part?
Knowing myself well enough, I can say for sure, that I love this world of make belief and have the capacity to create it for myself. But do I hide in it or do I just put those glasses to see this world of sorrow and sadness in a better manner? At times, when I am immersed in the thoughts of the Jewel and  of the magical world of Grace and Joy, its with a start that I wake up to this world. The person who I indetify myself with at times is surprised to see this world for he expects to see a world of colours of lights and a world of Divine radiance. Instead he wakes up to a world which at its best is flawed and has the many cares of the world on it.

May be its the dreamer in my which lives on. May be I am not sure, what would that amount to in the long run. I admit I do not take things of this world to seriously. At times, when I am awake to the world a certain coldness creeps into my soul and I get scared. But that feeling vanishes quickly as I know I can always to my own special world a world where if nothing I have Grace with me. 

The darkness that comes from within

Darkness, it seems have to become second nature to me. Although, my eyes perform their usual behaviour, they seem to have lost their lustrue. An all engulfing sense of doom and hopelessness has pervaded my being, and I have this strange feeling of falling into an abyss which does not seem to have an end.

Its strange considering, the fact that I was literally in the seventh heaven because of the “crazy little thing called love”. My friends, why even my parents asked me the reason behind the sprint in my walk and the smile on my face. It was she, whose presence had brought about this in me. Love is mysterious, it’s a phenomenon, which I am sure all have talked about.

But for me, I sensed it acted as the philosophers’s stone and transformed my world. It had made things appear bright, it had made things appear beautiful for me. A man of words I never was, but in those six months, every piece of music, I heard or every line of the poems made sense to me.

What I would miss most would be the peace that seemed to have descended on me. A deep sense of gratitude and content about everything under the sun, that was my state in those days. Her smile, her touch, the slight twinkle in her shy glance, they made my day.

If only, I knew the dangers that lurked behind the sunshine, I might not have fallen for me. Now, with my very presence being threatened, I understand that the peace I felt was the calm before the tornado, which has engulfed me from all side.

I know its useless to talk about sanity or sense. I know its hard to face my fears.. God knows I have tired. But how can you face something, when you have lost the complete being that gave you the power to face? Its like the earth being pulled under your feet and you being thrown into the black hole of uncertainty and despair.

Tears, they have dried up in my eyes, the dull numbing pain in my heart seems to have become a permanent fixture. At first, my despair had taken the form of rage, but now that rage has turned into poison, which is eating my vitals away.

I wish I knew how to tackle it, but it has become something so violent that I have no control over it. My feeling, my sensibilities, my reason, all seem to have vanished to be replaced by a dull and throbbing pain, which is all out to destroy me.

Now I know what the word routine means, for sure. It is the frightening monotony of things, which vary not, come sun come rain. My breath, my habit, my daily routine has become some thing similar. The man, who resided in my heart, seemed to have vanished or worst trampled in the pell mell of emotions, which took me by surprise. Now, instead lurks a strange being, whose food is anger whose breath give out fumes of poison.

If only I knew that this was the effect of love..

Love

They talk a lot about love.. they call it the supreme senstation.. Yes, I have known what love is all about. It is the feeling, which makes you one, with yourself, which allows you to be you. I do not know if that can be translated, the feeling of being one with the cosmos, with the sky. To stand under the blue sky without any pretenious, just being you.. that I think is love.. to be completely at ease, at peace.. with or without anything substantial.
So, how does it translate into the love that we know as the magic of the cupid? Well may be it does, may be it does not. But those who have had felt it, would know, the smile on the face of your beloved is the worth of all the pains that you go through.
Love for me, is the feeling that i have dreamt in my dreams. It is the secret, of things, which had made me survive the perils of life..
Its like tasting the mellowness of the sun, its like reading the secret behind colours and visualising a world of colours.
love, for me is the feeling, that has made life bearable, with its hatred and its pains..
Yes, I have know life and have faced it when it had no meaning. I have seen it vapourise in front of me, when the rose hurt more than its thorns. But may be it was love, which made be come alive and feel the gift of life again.
I know not the love of humans, although I have been in the game once. I am at flux, for love for me appears to be ethreal, without a body.. but yes it is stronger than the way my breath flows and it nestles in my heart.
Yes I have known love.