The farewell

Dear Bhaloma,
A year has passed since you have passed on and I travelled to Ranchi to maybe bid the final farewell. For me this was a personal journey- I came to a place whose main attraction was you. I didn't know how will I react as Ranchi and you were synonymous with each other.
 Grief, for me is an intensely affair and somehow I always react late to it. Be it the loss of Guri or when my love left me, my reaction was late. At first my mind and heart fortifies myself from the impending harm and I get numb. After a day or two when things cool down it hits me like a tornado- breaking down my reserves and overwhelming me with it's intensity.
So, when I landed in Ranchi it was just another long flight I had finished. Till I came to Geetanjali it was fine but the moment I stepped inside I knew why Ranchi will never be the same again.. Bhaloma is no more  the magic which had made Ranchi special was gone.
Grief, I think is a great binder. It helps to mend bridges more effectively than joy.  Identification of grief somehow generates a common platform where in people come together to understand and come to terms with their losses. May be the Galaxy of rituals which follows on such occasions allows the living to get on and come to terms with losses which are irreplaceable.
So here we were bound by our grief. Each and everyone of us had shared the magic which Bhaloma was and over the last one year the only thing we tried to learn was how to lead a life without her shadows. Death is cruel for more than one reason not only does it reminds you of your own fragile existence but also shows you how tragic life can be.
A life without Bhaloma for me is like a life without an assurance of something solid It was not as if I was a very frequent visitor but I knew of the assurance of love which will never wane. Bhaloma, as the rituals went on I looked at your picture- I didn't feel the intensity which I think I should have left. But every few seconds I felt the absence of something which made me realise what you were. Bhaloma will I come to Ranchi after this? I seriously don't know the answer? Bhaloma how will I react to everyone who are close to me? I dnt know. I know Bhaloma, that without you a chapter of my life has closed. I will not ask for your help in times of need- you have done enough for me. All that I ask for is that you give me the strength to see through a life for your love certainly will not be replicated. 

Some Random Thoughts

There are some questions, which beg an answer. Those questions are like the riddles of the Yaksha and only Yudhishtir can or could answer them. So why do such questions remain in the first place? May be to tease the human mind to search itself and to understand its own limitations. Or may be such questions are meant as beacon light of the heights that human beings can aim for. They are like the will-o-the-wisp, which will continue to allude humans and result in the death of many who try to capture them.

One of the  major question, which will haunt me to death is the very reason for existence. If you analyse with a clear and unbiased mind the very basis of life seems to be on a shaky wicket. The edifice of grandeur which we try to apportion into our little own things seems to be haunted by the greatest instability- death. Once the life force leaves you there is precious little you can do about your life. Infact once the energy which manifested itself in the body mind complex leaves there is nothing that can be done about it. What remains on this planet are just shadows of the memories of the actions which the mind-body-soul complex was responsible for on this planet. Seers more adept and more glib have talked about this and discoursed better than me. All I can say is that life appears to be something very ephemeral which has no inkling or iota of stability in it.

So, if life itself is uncertain why do we try to make it stable? Yes, we would require the roof about our head and our daily bread, but does it require a lot of time and energy? In case we want butter on our bread as well as jam it would become strenuous but that is a personal choice. Without taking any moral or philosophical high ground I can vouch for the fact that real simplicity is something which can be achieved provide one gets to compromises on what is known as the flesh pots.

Anyways my point this evening is something different- why do intentionally try to get entangled into things which are very well avoidable. Entanglement with people other than the family you are born into,trying to bridge relations with other human  beings I think is the greatest of amazement of creation. Knowing fully well that things which start, end  why indeed do we try to hope and start for something for ever and ever? If not death, then separation will surely end things, so why do we invest so much into them? The bugbear of loneliness makes us do things which we regret for the rest of our lives? Is loneliness really such a terrible thing that we end up compromising on many of our values?

My own life has taught me things which I think I will not forget. I have compromised on my basic in the hope to get another person for life. Now, when I think about the same it does not make sense to me at all. What was the intoxication that had made me do so? I have no answers for it as of now, may be I will never have the answers. But I hope I do not commit the same mistake again and remain in the state of remoteness that I am at this moment. 

So be it

Dearest Bhaloma,
As I sit to write this inconsequential blog, the only image that comes before me is the small bed in Ranchi and you in your white saree looking at the door longingly. Though age had taken its toll on your body, you remained the same Bhaloma I remember since my memory goes back. For me you were the epitome of everything good may be thats why I insisted on calling you Bhaloma instead of the more common Didima or Didibhai. To an ordinary observer, I do not know if this longing would make sense- afterall grandsons are supposed to be pampered and loved, Mamarbari is the place every kid wants to be in and be pampered. However, for both me and Mini, Bhaloma was something special, she was not just our grandmother.

Bhaloma would call me her friend and her discussions with me would be varied. When her health was reasonably well she would talk to me about the mystical life she had led. About how her Gopal  had asked sweets from her or how she had a very strange experience about the cosmos. I do not know why she choose me over her other grandsons, but my talks with her were special. When she had come to visit us in Kanpur it was me, Bhaloma and Ma who spoke for hours together about Gopal- a subject which neither of us could ever be bored of. Her simple belief in Gopal and the results there of are something which might be the subject of another blog. Anyways to my parched ears, her words were like elixir as it reaffirmed my faith which most of the time I must admit is waning.The faith she epitomized was the one which had revolved around the belief of a Merciful One who climbed down from His Olympian heights and asked for Sondesh. A part of me will always yearn to have that mysticism which she had partake of but age and my eternal cynicism shall never allow me to do so.

Ranchi, since the time of my mind has developed its separate identity, has always been a special place. Everything associated with Ranchi, right from the train journey to the station itself,  was special and no prize for guessing why. It was Bhaloma and the magic she could create with her love which needed to be felt, that had made Ranchi special. Back in those days, I remember looking up the train availability in The Statesman for Howrah Hatia Express as means to assuage my loneliness in Kolkata. Every holiday, every Durga puja meant a trip to Ranchi and invariably Bhaloma would always be there at the gate of K-125(the official residence of Boromama). There was no melodrama no superfluous show of excessive emotions- but Bhalo with her calm self could always make me feel the most special.  During my school days the return journeys would invariably see me in tears, something which I have been able to control with the passage of age. However even now, return journeys from Ranchi see me moist eyed. I wonder how will I react now, if and when I make a trip to Ranchi ever.

Bhaloma's family was her life- she lived and breathed all over it. Maybe, it was a bit repressive for some, but everything or everyone who ever came in touch with her could not but be influenced by her personality. The neatness of the house, the orderliness of her surroundings always spoke of a mind which was intelligent and astute. Once she had told me how in Dhanbad she used to tie bunch of flowers around the house to make it more beautiful. It was her way of expressing her sense of beauty- that was something which was the guiding principle of her life. Whenever she came to visit us it was almost an unspoken rule that she will tidy up our kitchen and the larder. Our Pune house was the only exception, she was too old to climb the stairs.

Age and life experiences had started taking its toll on Bhaloma and towards the end of her life she had become confused about time and a bit garrulous. Her talks went on in circles and she forgot the time limit. Her temper did get the better of her at times, but it was "eso bhai" for me. Every telephone call ended with "kobe asbi" There were times I wished she ended her calls fast as I did not like the long talk, but now I wish I get to talk to her once, to tell her how she always managed to make sense. During the twilight year of her life her talk  lacked coherence but yet whenever I asked her how she was it was her crackly laughter which said "Bhalo achi bhai'.

What was Bhaloma for me? I had started this post with the thought of talking about her character, her strength and to paint a picture of a woman far ahead of her time. But somehow I think my fingers decided to follow their own mind and I ended up talking about things which I had not even thought about. My last memory of Bhaloma was in hospital- she was in pain and most uncomfortable in her surroundings. Her mind was in disarray and she was just dimly aware of herself- there was anger and pain but she spoke. I do not think she recognised me, but I could but look at her and think this was the woman who had made Ranchi special for me. The last month or so was topsy turvy,there were days of brightness and there was days of sorrow. But never for a moment I realised her end was so near. Yes, I had spoken about her final journey but I had barely any idea about it- it was just a phrase that had come to me. I was dimly aware of the void that might be created post Bhaloma but my mind had not grasped it well. Last Sunday when Ma told me "Bhalomar tube khule dicche, ki holo.. " I did not realise what had just happened. I was aware of the intense emotions which somehow left me numb. The realisation came when I spoke to Mini and then it struck me- Ranchi will not be special for me any more. So Dugga Dugga Bhaloma, I do not want to write about how you will be in our hearts or in our minds I will just say there will be no more "Eso bhai for me"

Those tears of pain

So, my dearest I have to come back to you to unburden me of the pain that is gnawing at my heart. Those hot tears which scald my eyes now refuse to be stop since I heard of the way I will be living again. You know what hurts the most? The fact that I did not realise this was coming and that I had failed to be ever thing that I thought you would require. Its not the pain that kills me, but the realisation that I have again been used that kills me. Where did I go wrong? I thought I had given up everything, yet when I open my eyes I find the house deserted, with the eyes of a stranger looking at what till yesterday was the love of his life.

What had gone wrong? Do not give me the excuse that you need to lead your life the way you choose to be, Think of me for a second, think of the pain, the tears that I will go through trying to pick up pieces of my life. Its easy for you- your contract is done your life awaits you. The sun will kiss you and will illuminate your path. What about me? Now, with the eyes of a stranger you would say, I simply could not care. You were wrong, yes I was wrong to trust you, to love you at times more than me. Now you will look at me and say who had asked you not me! Oh yes, you are not be blamed, its my fault through and through- I have been a fool to love to relish and to cherish your heart. But then I cant do anything else as that is my nature- I cant go against my nature.

So how do I get about my life? Well to start with, my nature will be my guide, yes I am bruised I am heart broken, but its from the ashes that the phoenix will arise. Trust me, I will limp back to life, It will no be the same again without you. But there is no other way out of this.. You choose your life, without a thought of anyone's else.. May be I will learn may be I will not, but my soul shall see that I smile again, that life gets back to normal for me again
Till I am not able to do so, these are the days of tears for me
Adieu and fare thee well 

Of loneliness, of darkness and of the despair

If you can imagine a dark alley with no pencil of light, you might get to grasp a bit of the despair which has of late caught on with me. By the time realization had set in , it was too late the damage was already done. Like a small rot engulfs the whole fruit, this virus of despair had spread across my soul obliterating the rays of life. Imagine being caught in an oppressive turbulence of darkness, the more you try to get out of it more stronger its grip gets on to you- that can be the closest I can come to describe my situation now.

So how did this start? How did laughter, joy get eclipsed from my soul and how did the sun almost divorced my skies? I wish I knew the answer but when the magnitude of the problem came to my notice it was too late. The symptoms I acutely observe and most of the time I can control but deep in my heart I know that soon it will be too late.

Its difficult to put a finger to it directly, its vague and its presence can be felt only by the effect. Unlike the fracture of the bones the fracture of your soul is more difficult to understand and heal. You loose your will to live, all of a sudden life begins to weigh down more than the World. All you want to do is to hope that the oppression ends but you know not how to end it. Despair becomes the mood of the day, the slow undercurrent of it goes on making its presence felt however hard you try to ignore. If by day you can some how go through the normal routine, the dark still night holds its own terrors for you. Unknown terrors disturb your heart and sleep looses it soothing power on you.
So what can I do in such a situation? I wish I had the elixir of life which will reinvigorate my and get the light back in my life. I wish I had the power to ensure I can laugh and smile again. How I wish I was able to feel the soothing power of life once again. But now, in my despair all I can hope for is a quick end to it.
May 1,2015

Inherent loneliness

Loneliness, seems of late have become more a regularity than an aversion. Like one's shadow, this strange feeling has become part and parcel of life. Its like the silent movement of the river, which goes flowing come what may. What causes this loneliness, which has the power to become potent enough to take away one's breath?

Surprisngly, loneliness is not something which you see when are at alone. In a crowd, when the multitudes chatter away, this oppressive feeling of being lonely is something which makes you sad. Sadness twinges your soul, while it tries desperately to cling on to the straws of happiness it has got.
This feeling can at times be strong enough to make you desparate. If I had words for it I might have been able to do justice in explaining this feeling which overwhelms me most of the time.

It is like being afraid of your shadow. Not because it has knows the dark deeds of your soul but because there is no other living creature to share your air. You are lonely, you are alone. To the world you are as if dead, yet you breathe and live very much.
During the depths of your meditation, may be you come across this feeling, but it soothes you not torments you. The thought that you are alone, with no one to know, no one to hold your hand, has become the terror of the night.
You wonder if other beings, are aware of this dark chasm in their heart, as they go ahead in life. Do they know of the moment, when life will start loosing all its charms and the smile shall be wiped out of their soul? Why does this feeling arise? From where do you get this sensation, which makes you think, twice before turning on a new leaf? How do you get stuck in the void with no other way to get out? Are there any answers to this?

Disco hotspots

The spirit of the wind, these days, ruffle my soul. When it blows over me as if it leaves a strange sensation all around me. Summer evenings for me, are not exactly, the height of grace, but I feel a strange longing, which I find difficult to understand, 

The longing is at times for something, I had experienced recently, but could not understand long. In my longing, I end up doing things, which normally I do not encourage myself in doing. Summer evenings bring out the romantic in me, who melts in your arms, who searches for the peace he got when you embraced him during the night. 

Do you remember the walk in darkness we had? It was as if the celestial beings were the only one witnessing us, walking down the star lit canopy and going slowly towards their peace. The strange part was the utter ease with which both of us, walked down the canopy, which otherwise would have appeared normal to us. We did not talk much, but the silence we shared was like thousand words being talked aloud. 

The spirits when they meet, they speak of a strange language. The language of the soul is something we can only hear in distant echos in this body. But that very echo is strong enough to make us want and search for it time and over again. May be when two souls come very close, the echo is stronger, may be that is the reason, we keep on searching for the person whose soul would make the echo louder in our ears. 

Late that night, when I was lost in the twilight world of dreams, you came to me and embraced me. As if you materialised from my dreams and came to keep me warm. For a moment I thought, about the lores, where in the Gods have come down time and over to keep the humans safe. All I wanted to do was to get close to you, get so close that the source of the language of the souls was revealed to me. I was lost in the world, where speech is redundant and where colours talk and perfumes are touched. It is a world which I had experienced before with you, but had not realised, blinded by my own stupidity. 

This time around I had opened my doors, my windows were open and I welcomed you with my heart and my might. You glided in like a dream in a dark dark night. You stepped in my soul and you looked deep in my heart. I do not what you felt, my beloved, but that night, when I felt you embrace, my life stopped for a second. I knew it was going to be difficult to be away from you, for the simple reason, that you had managed to mark me for life.